One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
