I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
no more duck duck goose at the bar
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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