We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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