dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
