I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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