if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize