it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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