i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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