my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
