Your mouth is God's brothel.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Everyone says I win the strip club
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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