96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
