Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
