Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
