My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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