I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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