It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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