just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize