There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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