hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
