Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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