Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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