I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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