Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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