you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
