I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
