ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
