two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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