why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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