my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You can't motorboat a personality
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize