are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
