Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
