so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize