Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
