I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize