New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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