I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
