I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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