i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
