Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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