the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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