you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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