He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
