i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
