and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
