turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
