If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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