She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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