Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
