i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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