i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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