Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
