I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
