that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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