I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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