I faked an abortion last night.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
