She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
