My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
