My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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