Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
