he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
All the doctor said was why
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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