I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
