i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
whose ass print is on the piano?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
