I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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