me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
