I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
