Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
