there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
