You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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