We're like a lot better than the average bears
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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